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Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007
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12:37 am - turn my back on the truth
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well, she doesnt agree with my decisions but when has anyone ever listened to the angels on their shoulders. if only i could have something as pure in my life. i could. i know i could. i just have to make the effort. distractions come so quickly though, like storm winds blowin debris by my weakened body, clutching onto whatever foundation i can. i avoid what i can, but i cant help but get sucked up every now and then, reaching out, grasping on to whatever solid object i can, be it vice or virtue. i have to complete my own circle. i cant expect anyone else to complete me. once i am my own, then i will find another.
on a lighter note, Black Sails In The Sunset is a good album, regardless of AFI's recent failures. say what you will, I enjoy it.
I've stopped listening to so much rap. I enjoy it a great deal, probably more than any other genre, but it just doesnt suit my mentality. when im off having fun, getting drunk, going hyphy, its great. but for the lonely hours, the dark hours when i sit alone, it just doesnt fit. theres no context, no underlying meaning, unless you go into the whole backpacker hip hop crap which is all pretention and poorly crafted beats with metaphors about who can come up with the best metaphors. terrible.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
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4:43 pm - long live the sounds of desperation
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it's been quite some time, hasn't it. i must say, things seemed to be quite negative back then; so many dark places. i think that your haitus was called for, albeit a bit sudden. some things must be done quickly, like the removal of a band-aid. if its done slowly, god knows what kind of pain you could endure. and now im back. where do you run to when you've already run home. where can i hide now? its terrible, but expected. an admittance of defeat with fingers crossed behind our backs. after all, life is war and in order to win we must be prepared to truly risk everything, as there is no other way to guarantee victory. oh well. there's not much of a point, i suppose. hello again. i haven't missed you.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, January 28th, 2005
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4:26 pm
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dont you dare talk about "The next thing" you stupid fuck. like you have any idea. you follow trends years after they've been extinguished and have absolutely no social identity of your own. you're a fucking nothing. you'll always be nothing. dont speak out of turn.
"the next thing will be metal" god, you're an idiot.
shut the fuck up.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, December 10th, 2004
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6:52 pm
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Under my thumb
The girl who once had me down
Under my thumb
The girl who once pushed me around
It’s down to me
The difference in the clothes she wears
Down to me, the change has come,
She’s under my thumb
Ain’t it the truth babe?
Under my thumb
The squirmin’ dog who’s just had her day
Under my thumb
A girl who has just changed her ways
It’s down to me, yes it is
The way she does just what she’s told
Down to me, the change has come
She’s under my thumb
Ah, ah, say it’s alright
Under my thumb
A siamese cat of a girl
Under my thumb
She’s the sweetest, hmmm, pet in the world
It’s down to me
The way she talks when she’s spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
She’s under my thumb
Ah, take it easy babe
Yeah
It’s down to me, oh yeah
The way she talks when she’s spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
She’s under my thumb
Yeah, it feels alright
Under my thumb
Her eyes are just kept to herself
Under my thumb, well i
I can still look at someone else
It’s down to me, oh that’s what I said
The way she talks when she’s spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
She’s under my thumb
Say, it’s alright.
Say it’s all...
Say it’s all...
Take it easy babe
Take it easy babe
Feels alright
Take it, take it easy babe
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
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12:39 am
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| Monday, December 6th, 2004
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7:27 pm
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| Sunday, December 5th, 2004
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1:39 pm
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12:45 am
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telling the story of WATER TO ICE and ICE BACK TO WATER again.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, December 3rd, 2004
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2:46 pm
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| Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
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4:49 pm
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ah, remember the clarity of her voice? the softness in the tone...the vulnerability in the way she whisper/sang those amazing words. do you recall the intimacy of it? how close we were, how clearly you could see and hear everything. and how fun it was to get there, getting lost, eating disgusting old mcdonalds, walking past a thousand scary minorities. haha what a good time that was. remember?
i am helsabot
i am all you're not
but you wish you were
i am working hard
dont you laugh at me
i am helsabot
alcohol fueled robot
i take off my clothes
and i say to joe
"do your pants ever just
fall off"
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, November 29th, 2004
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11:35 pm
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| Saturday, November 27th, 2004
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12:45 pm
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as you read this, take a moment, just one moment, to open up your mind a little bit more. dont just casually browse this entry and disregard it as soon as you come across a new one. stop for a moment and reflect with me. when you look back on your days, namely, the days you write about in your livejournals, what do you see? when you see yourself, what do you see? who are you? do you notice something about your journal entries? do you notice the patterns, the repeats, and the monotony? has your life started to feel like a bad re-run you've seen too many times? sure, things go well for you and you enjoy your patterns/ruts/niches/deathtraps but have you ever thought about what its doing to you in the long run? the lack of evolution, the stagnation. never growing, never changing, staying the same idle matter floating pointlessly in a sea of other static, soulless drones. dont consider it insulting, it isnt intended to be that at all. does strong pattern building really mean a successful life? does creating ruts mean that you're being productive? how can doing the same thing every day leave you happy? dont you ever feel the need to break out? run around, fuck something up, sleep with someone you dont know, do something you shouldnt, do something you've been meaning to do. perhaps a different feeling? the feeling to do nothing. to sit, to enjoy, to really listen. can you hear anything when you stop talking? can you hear anything at all? no. you just hear silence. and thats when you realize that you've lost your soul. the world is quiet to you now, the wind no longer whispers in your ears. the spirit of the world holds no more validity on your disillusioned mind than santa claus would. yet the world is full of sound, full of noise and beauty...you've just simply turned your back on it. turned your back on the wonders of the universe to create patterns for yourself that your parents told you to create. you've accomplished something, yes. good job and congradulations on that. however, is it really something to be proud of? is it even something that will make your life more complete? or will it simply give you things to fill in dead time and give your life some faux sense of "purpose". but in your search of purpose...have you not abandoned your search for happiness and truth?
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 25th, 2004
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10:04 pm
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i've become desensitized. congrats ex girlfriend, you've done one helluva job turning me into this. i honestly find little to no enjoyment in intimacy anymore. i miss it, i crave it, i love it but i simply find no relief in it anymore. everything is for shits and giggles now and i've only just now realized how to decipher who means what and who means nothing at all. the one factor that decides whether or not someone matters in my life (mainly referring to women) is whether or not i'd instinctually defend them. whether its verbally, physically, emotionally, anything - this is the only way i can tell if someone matters to me. i havent felt honest connections in longer than i want to remember and me being honestly concerned for the well being of someone is the only thing i have to go on. "yeah, i'd fight for her." "yeah, i would defend her if someone talked shit." and thats it. mind you, its not just defending them though. seeing as how im a nice guy and all, i end up doing a lot of nice things, some of which may include defense or something that would lead some people to believe i care for them. however, this couldnt be any further from the truth. just because im being polite doesnt mean im being compassionate. regardless, out of the 6 or 7 i really only give a shit about 2 or 3. and on a completely different note, i also realized today that i've achieved my desire of having the effortless sex life of a woman. on any given day, i can have sex with someone. applaud me, you motherfuckers, you know you wish you could say the same thing. to you girls who look down upon me, suck it, fuck you. if i had any interest i could fuck you as well.
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(comment on this)
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9:33 pm
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*onaSHROOM: good job
*onaSHROOM: Yeah
*onaSHROOM: i mean...you got Julia
*onaSHROOM: No one can ever get Julia
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(comment on this)
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1:28 am
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HA! lucky #13.
and to cap off tonights festivities, a few bowls and some WoW.
a few thoughts -
* "your apathy makes this an institution, your apathy breeds monopoly."
* "i see you breathing, and i dont care"
* "hypocricy"
* "who the fuck could ever learn to replace me?"
* "get up off your knees and make me your god."
* "i need to eat more and more often."
* "tips create a convenient form of supplemental income"
* "i wish i had my own theme music"
* "does this mean anything to you? are you still confused?"
* "all we do is build a wall between us"
* "god is always willing to hear when the angels cry"
* "i tried to warn you, yet you bleed like me"
* "bleed like me"
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, November 21st, 2004
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12:58 pm - ROUGH DRAFT ROUGH DRAFT ROUGH DRAFT
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keep in mind, its unedited. forgive errors in spelling and grammar as well as overly used words or akward sentence structure.
"black cum from victory hardons" - its from CRIMES, jed. an album i've had for months. including tracks unreleased on the official LP. 19 in total.
ok, away we go. The Unraveling Story of Everyones Favorite Floor Mat - Tim.
It had been a long time. Almost a eight months had passed since Tim had seen her in anything other than the framing on his wall. Now he found himself waiting patiently in his car at the train station, laid all the way back in his drivers' seat, quietly listening to music. He was nervous, sure, but he hid it well. His little insecurities and the like never became more than tiny doubts in the back of his mind, especially when he was about to go on stage. The train was a bit late, five minutes already, but he knew these things happened and so he leisurely listened to another bland song on the radio while chewing over a hundred different things in his mind. As he lay there, almost zoning out, his silence was pierced by whistles and bells alerting station patrons of the trains arrival.
Tim got out of his car slowly, turned, and closed the door. He gave himself just enough time to check his hair quickly in the reflection of the drivers window and then made his way towards the station. As he approached the train, he saw her. She was exiting the train carrying a backpack on her shoulders, a present in one hand, and wheeling a small suitcase along with the other. As she made her way down the steps to exit the train, her feet stumbled on each other and she fell a little bit. Tim rushed up to her laughing a little bit, but not too much so as to not embarass her, and took the suitcase and backpack from her. "Drunk already? Its barely passed four. Jeeesh." He said. It was a good comment, just enough to break the ice but not too silly. He knew that things would be akward at first between them, but Tim knew what to say, he always did, or at least he told himself that.
"Blah, stupid train....trying to make me look bad. I think part of my dress got snagged on something when I fell...oh well, whatevs." She blurted out seemingly all at once. She was nervous, Tim could tell, but she was trying to be talkative to mask it. "So, how are you? You definitely look like you're doing well." The comment gave Tim a pleasant jolt of ego as he unlocked the passenger door to his car and gestured chivalrously.
"After you, Ma'lady."
"Why thank you, kind Sir." She replied, playing along.
They got in the car and headed off. "So, how long are you in town for?" Tim inquired.
"Probably just today, and tomorrow morning. I've got to get back to school sunday night so I can make it to class monday."
"I dig it."
"So tell me about this new apartment of yours."
"Adrien, seriously, you're going to love it. Its perfect, its got everything I need and then some. It even had this little dark cut-away that I can grow wee.."
"Blah, no. None of that." She interrupted him.
"Whaaat? You quit?"
"Well, no...haha. But. Gah, nevermind. Continue." But Tim felt bad now. He quickly ran through a laundry list of minute details and edited it so as to avoid any future conflicts of interest.
"You'll see, we're almost there. Its real close." They drove a bit more and finally made it to Tim's apartment. It was a nice studio, minimally furnished but chic. The neighborhood wasnt too bad either; there was a grocery store, liquor store, walmart, and a plethora of different restaraunts all within walking distance. They got out and went up the steps, up the elevator and to Tim's door. "Duuuuun, duuuuuuuuuuun, DUN DUN." Tim jokingly sang as he put the key in and opened the door.
"Wow, you've done a pretty good job decorating this place." Adrien said.
"Why thank you."
They made their way in and Adrien settled down on Tim's living room couch while he hurried into the kitchen. "You want anything to drink?" Tim hollered out.
"Uh, sure. I'll have whatever you're having as long as its not too strong." So Tim poured them each a glass of white wine, got out some grapes from the refrigerator and grabbed a box of crackers. "Alright then. High class boozing comin up."
They sat on the couch and casually sipped their wine while watching rented movies and catching up on all the little things. Tim couldnt help but find himself staring deeply into Adrien's large, brown eyes as she began yet another story. This time it was about some road trip she took with one of her friends up the coast; Tim was uninterested in the story, but completely interested in her, more specifically, her eyes. He hadn't just sat and stared into them in what seemed like ages. He remembered then how he missed it and began to think that he could see his soul floundering in the endless ocean of her eyes. Time had been both a cruel and benevolent mistress; he couldn't remember a time when she looked more beautiful yet he knew she was just out of his grasp. He has thought he was done with this, that these types of feelings had left him for good, but it all came back and smashed against the shores of his heart like a tidal wave.
Tim finally bit the bullet and decided that no more time could be wasted. With a jolt of confidence, he leaned in quickly and connected his lips with Adrien's before she could finish her sentence. At first she seemed surprise and a bit taken back; it may just have been the shock of being interrupted while telling a story, but after the first few moments and the initial surprise passed, she couldn't help but return his kiss. She had been trying as well, trying to live a new life on her own accord, but something was telling her to ignore all of that now. Right now is what is important, right here, with him.
They pushed into each other with so much passion that it was almost violent. They akwardly rose up from the couch and began stumbling their way to Tim's bedroom amidst a flurry of kisses. As Adrien fell upon the bed, Tim shut the door to his bedroom with a little back kick and then he fell upon her. He began exploring her mouth gently with his tongue and started to work his way down. He kissed her lips, her cheeks, her chin, down to her neck - where he began to bite her a bit. The air in the room was thick with lust, neither one of them was thinking anymore but simply running off of basic instinct and passion.
"Mmm, God. I want you so badly, Wade." Adrien moaned out. The sentence stopped Tim cold. He couldn't believe what he had just heard. In a split second, the romance was gone, the lust was gone and Tim was busy telling himself to keep it cool, relaxed. Adrien seemed to be in just as much disbelief. How could she have been so careless? How could she have said that? It didnt matter now, it had been said. Tim slowly stood up and began to straighten his clothes out. "Im sorry, Tim. I really am. It doesnt mean anything, I swear. I was just talking to him earlier today and I dont know, his name must have stuck with me or something. Im sorry, Tim, Im so sorry, I really am."
Tim spoke back softly over his shoulder as he walked away from the bed where Adrien lay, "Its fine." He opened the door to his bedroom, made his exit, and closed the door behind him, leaving Adrien alone in the room with her dress up around her waist and a tear running down her eye. A few minutes later, Adrien came out of the room and joined Tim on the couch where he had been sitting quietly, idly watching television with a glass of wine in his hand and a newly opened bottle of vodka on the table. Nothing was said for what seemed like hours as they sat and watched The History Channel together in silence.
"Well," Adrien spoke, "I think it'd be best if I got a hotel room for the night, I dunno, Im sorry Tim. I really am."
"Its fine. It happens." Tim spoke softly and punctuated his sentence with a deep drink from his glass. He drained the cup dry in two big gulps and set it down cautiously. After a moment of pause, he reached out, grabbed the vodka, and proceeded to take a healthy swig from it.
"Tim, dont be stupid. Just because...well...dont do this. You know I'm right, it wont help anything. You'll just turn into an asshole." Tim couldnt help but think "Fuck you" as she spoke. She was right, alcohol did make him an asshole, but he didnt care much about that right now. In fact, he didnt care much about anything. He hadnt lost anything more than his pride, but he sure as hell hadnt gained anything either and he was in absolutely no mood to hear preaching from the women who just called him by another mans name.
"Sorry." That was all Tim said. Out of the thousand things running through his mind, all he could pull out was a mere 'sorry'. He always seemed to be apologizing, for one reason or another, to her. It was always something, and now, he couldnt understand why he was apologizing but he felt that it was the only thing that would appease her.
"Fine. But Im not sitting here while you drink yourself stupid. Why are you so upset anyways? Its not like we're dating...I thought you were over it. Blah. Whatevs. This was a mistake to begin with."
"Then leave."
"Fuck you, Tim." Adrien got up in a walking rage and headed for the door. As she opened it, she leaned over her shoulder in an incredibly cliche display of tackiness and spoke as if in a movie, "If you ever get your shit together and grow up, call me sometime." When she finished, she turned abruptly and slammed the door behind her. Tim had no idea where she was going to go or how she was going to get there. She was more than three hours away from her school and at least ten hours away from home. But who cares, Tim thought, fuck her. He couldn't understand her at all. It was her idea to come visit, she seemed ready and willing when they kissed, she was the one who let another man's name slip - why did Tim need to grow up, or better yet, care at all. Sure, he loved her. But loved is much different than love and this was the last time he'd ever tolerate her walking out on him.
*literally months later*
"I havent left the house in days. I honestly think im starting to get bed sores. Shit." That's all that Tim had to say for himself. Shit. Everything was starting to get to him again, the women, his parents, his friends, the world. So he lay in his bed, alone, wishing he had a reason to get up. Everything was just so tiring. His room, however, was a place of solitude, far better than any car or shower. He could lay in bed, watch tv, write his thoughts out, enjoy his drinks and his bong. It was a private castle. But, too much time in any one place can be too much for anybody. It had been two weeks since Tim had even spoken to a friend outside of the internet and even that was starting to annoy him. Now, he just sat and thought to himself, conversed with himself, decided that he only needed himself.
But he had to admit, this much isolation couldnt be healthy for him. He was already annoyed by everything and he was starting to get annoyed with himself. Too much, simply too much of one thing. "Moderation in all things." Tim said to himself. He'd heard that quote somewhere but he couldn't remember from who. Moderation was what he needed, no more isolation, no more laying in bed for 18 hours, he had to get out. Just go for a walk if nothing else. He got out of bed, threw on some jeans and a tshirt, grabbed his wallet, cell phone, keys, and made his way to the door. "Bye mom, I'm going out for a little walk. I'll be back in 15 or so." He shouted as he opened the door and started to walk out. A faint "Bye hunny." was heard echoing down the stairs from his parents room. Oblivious. Thats all they are. A few more steps and a firm slam of the door and Tim was outside.
It was nothing, he had done it a thousand times, no, a million times before, but it seemed like such an accomplishment to finally be outside again. The air was cool and crisp, just the right weather. The sun had just set but there was still a bit of light as Tim made his way down the residential street. "Everything is always prettier in Autumn," he thought to himself. "Jesus, I'm such a loser. What a cliche thing to say."
He reached the end of his block and made a right towards the major intersection near his house. Maybe he would look in a few stores or buy a magazine at the market, something, anything. He paused at the light and pressed the little walk button, patiently waiting for the red hand to change into a white man so he could cross the street like a good, law abiding citizen. After a brief wait, the light changed and he was able to walk. He took his foot off the curb and headed into the street.
He made it about halfway across the street when a black SUV came barreling through the intersection, running its red light. He had no time to react at all, his only movement was a quick turn of the head to face the oncoming grill. A few swears went off in his head, but just as soon as he could think "Oh fuck." It was already done.
The jacket he had on landed clear on the other side of the road, at the opposite end of the crosswalk; his intended destination. But his body lay motionless in the center of the street. Tim was alive but he couldnt move. Everything seemed muddy and he could barely make out what was going on around him. He thought he could hear screams but they were too muffled to be made out. As he struggled to gain focus, a female face appeared over his own and spoke in quick, broken sentences. Tim figured it must have been the driver since no one else was around and she seemed to be terribly shook up. He tried to understand her but nothing registered and he had no way of communicating back, everything was still.
As he lay there, he began to gain some feeling in the back of his head and around his ears as they began to cool a bit. He began to wonder about the temperature change until he shot a quick glance down without moving his head and noticed the thick puddle of blood beneath him. Panic seized him for a moment and he struggled desperately to pick himself up, or to at least move out of this blood. The woman he had seen before was nowhere around but the car was still there. She must have run off or gone to call the police. Tim hoped for the latter.
As time passed, Tim had no idea how much, things began to cloud over. At first, it seemed as if the weather had worsened, but his vision began going as well. It almost reminded him of being too stoned. His chest felt like it was collapsing, which he was almost sure it was, and his eyesight became narrowed. He always thought too much, over-analyzed things. And here he was, laying bleeding in the street, relating his own accident to being stoned.
Thing started to get numb. Nothing was cold, he no longer had feeling around his ears or on his head, he felt disconnected from his entire body. He knew then, he knew what was going to happen. There was nobody around him, the driver was long gone, he was alone, laying bleeding in the street. Tim closed his eyes and thought, "At least its better than sitting at home." and he never opened them again.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 20th, 2004
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1:50 pm
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im sorry to say this...but in all actuality, im just saying that to sound polite and i am not sorry at all.
scott, you're a sad person. you should apologize to me for wasting my time.
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(comment on this)
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1:48 am
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you're a heart breaker, dream maker, love taker; dont you mess around with me.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, November 17th, 2004
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4:47 pm
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Under my thumb
The girl who once had me down
Under my thumb
The girl who once pushed me around
It's down to me
The difference in the clothes she wears
Down to me, the change has come,
She's under my thumb
Ain't it the truth babe?
Under my thumb
The squirmin' dog who's just had her day
Under my thumb
A girl who has just changed her ways
It's down to me, yes it is
The way she does just what she's told
Down to me, the change has come
She's under my thumb
Ah, ah, say it's alright
Under my thumb
A siamese cat of a girl
Under my thumb
She's the sweetest, hmmm, pet in the world
It's down to me
The way she talks when she's spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
She's under my thumb
Ah, take it easy babe
Yeah
It's down to me, oh yeah
The way she talks when she's spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
She's under my thumb
Yeah, it feels alright
Under my thumb
Her eyes are just kept to herself
Under my thumb, well I
I can still look at someone else
It's down to me, oh that's what I said
The way she talks when she's spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
She's under my thumb
Say, it's alright.
Say it's all...
Say it's all...
Take it easy babe
Take it easy babe
Feels alright
Take it, take it easy babe.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 16th, 2004
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9:04 am
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in all honesty, i love my dick. i really, really do. its never let me down and it always finds ways to keep me entertained. what a wonderful source of power and control.
i <3 you penis.
lucky #12
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(comment on this)
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